$urvive the Viropocalypse: Why TP is a bad investment!

Pictured: Sam’s moment of weakness and fiscal irresponsibilityDon’t be like Sam.

These days it’s impossible to scroll two inches down your social media feed without encountering some horror story regarding the COVID-19 pandemic that seems to be hitting the whole world. Even more terrifying are the stories of people buying up and stockpiling on what they deem to be necessary resources.

Now, I’m no Virus expert, but I do know a few things about making $mart financial decisions to $urvive the Viropocalypse, so I’m starting this mini series called Dr. Sam’s (yes, I am a legit PhD holder in Finance!) guide to smart money tips for the Viropocalypse (shortened to $urvive the Viropocalypse). The first tip in this series is:

Stop stockpiling toilet paper

Ok, I get it, the world is ending, stock markets are crashing (more on this later) and everybody and their grandma are rushing to supermarkets to buy up all the rolls of toilet paper they can grab off the aisles.

Wait what? Toilet Paper?

Seriously, you are preparing for the end of the world with rolls of Toilet paper

Ok, ok, so you come from a proud group of individuals who love to scrape dry, abrasive paper against their privates when cleaning up in the toilet – but seriously, if it’s the end of the world, would it hurt to learn how to use the bidet or the bum gun? In countries which have been hit hard by the COVID-19 Coronavirus, there have been no reports on water supply being interrupted – which means that there is a perfectly good supply of water you can use to clean yourself with. It’s also worth noting at the time this article has been published, it has not been established that COVID-19 can spread via water.

I’m willing to stake my PhD on the fact that water is probably cheaper than toilet paper wherever in the world you come from (in some parts of NZ – it’s free!). The only investment you will have to make is to either buy a bucket and watering spout or a bum gun set from your nearest hardware shop. Think of the savings! 

Let’s take an NZ example. As of the publication of this article, a bum gun set costs about $29.00 (if we’re being fancy). Installing one is pretty simple if you know some basic plumbing. By comparison, an 18pk Toilet paper roll will set you back $9.00 – again, being fancy here because it’s important that your bum gets the best! Assuming you go through one pack a month (depending on your usage and how many people you have in your household) three months worth of toilet paper will cost you almost as much as a bum gun which will last you….nearly forever! So yeah, you don’t need a fancy-as degree to make financial sense of that.

Ah, the Good Old Chad VS Virgin meme – educating the internet since the early 2000s

No one knows how and for how long their community will be hit by COVID-19. But, really, blowing money on toilet paper is just poor fiscal decision making when a cheaper, long term solution exists. 

But wait, I hear you say, ‘How will I dry myself off after using the bum gun?’. Uh, towels anyone? Assuming you’ve done a good job cleaning yourself with the bum gun (nope, don’t ask me how – not that kind of blog), it shouldn’t be any different to towelling yourself after a shower. 

Wash and dry baby, wash AND dry.

Oh, I hear a detractor from the back yelling out ‘But Sam, if the Viropocalypse causes our water supply systems to totally shut down, we will end up with unwashed (and unwiped) bums!!’. To which I say: If things get bad enough that we lose our water supply, I’d say we have bigger things to worry about then than unwashed bums.

Stay tuned for more updates on $urviving the Viropocalypse! And remember to wash your hands!!!

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